Barney Stinson, minus Scherbatsky
by howimetneilpatrickharris
Summary: How Barney really felt. (One shot)


The events that transpired in May of 2016, as told from the point of view of Barney Stinson. (with thanks to love-is-the-best-thing-we-do on tumblr for the inspiration of Barney smashing things up!)

MAY 2016

THE MOSBY/MCCONNELL HOME

"We just peeked in on Penny asleep in the baby room, it's adorable! " Lily gushed as she walked back into the living room, Marshall in tow.

"The whole place looks great, guys! But I can't believe you let Ted hang his jousting lance from the renaissance fair on your bedroom wall." Marshall added, taking his seat opposite Ted once more.

"Yeah… that's Ted's!" Tracy said, earning a knowing smile and a pair of raised eyebrows from Ted.

"So, Marshall, how's your job going?" Barney questioned. If it wasn't about him and Robin, it was a great topic of conversation, as far as he was concerned.

"My chair… is reasonably comfortable…for short periods of time." Marshall replied, a toothy, evidently feigned, and slightly maniacal grin plastered on his face.

"Marshall, has decided to say only positive things about being back in corporate law." Lily explained.

"So, you hate it?" Robin asked, frowning slightly.

"Much of what I do does NOT make me cry!" The grin remained in complete control of his face.

"Hey, what about you guys! How was Argentina?" Tracy said, changing the topic. Barney sighed internally. Now or never. Robin hesitated.

"Great! It was great. It was great." Barney filled in.

"It was great."

"It was great."

"It _was_ great." Barney tried to hide a laugh. Everything was past tense to him now. It _was_ great, now it's nonexistent. "It was _great_." Robin added.

"One more and I'll believe you…" Tracy responded, in an attempt to provoke the truth from the pair. And so, they explained.

ARGENTINA

"THIS IS SO NOT GREAT!" Barney screamed, though it came out far more childlike than he had aimed for.

"I'm sorry that I have to work while I'm here, it's called being on assignment!"

"Well what about me? There's no Wi-Fi in this hotel, how am I supposed to run a business, Robin, with no Wi-Fi?!"

"It's not a business, Barney, it's a blog, okay?!"

"It is a lifestyle blog, for the upscale, sophisticated, urban gentleman and it's never gonna take off if I can't post today's boner joke!" He knew he sounded like an idiot. He wasn't one, and that's how he knew he sounded like one. It was a blog. There was no business – it was a blog, but it was all he had. When he was going to sleep every night, alone, in yet another hotel bed, in yet another country, sometimes his lifestyle blog was all he had to keep himself sane. He caught sight of a glass of wine on the nightstand. He had no idea how long it had been there, but it wouldn't be there for much longer. He downed the entire glass in one long swig. Step 1 of the Stinson Foolproof Plan For Pushing Your Problems to The Back of Your Mind – alcohol.

"I know I'm always travelling. We both hate it when I'm gone, we both hate it when I drag you with me, neither of us is happy… Is this just not working anymore?" He stopped in his tracks, and his heart dropped to his stomach.

"Wait, what 'this'? This, this?"

"If I gave you an out, right now. If there was an exit ramp, right here at the three year mark, would you take it?" Step 2 of the Stinson Foolproof Plan For Pushing Your Problems to The Back of Your Mind – sex.

"Before I answer that, real quick, you wanna get super drunk and have sex right now?"

"Of course!" The Scherbatsky Foolproof Plan For Pushing Your Problems to The Back of Your Mind was apparently much like his own. At least they still had one thing in common.

THE MOSBY/MCCONNELL HOME

"And then one thing lead to another…and then another… and then another after that." Barney joked. He wasn't looking to appear vulnerable.

"Ohh!" Robin added. Clearly she wasn't either, he inferred, as she high fived him. "And we kept drinking, and may have had a little too much."

ARGENTINA

Robin had just picked up the baby from the crib when the baby's mother burst through the door.

"What the hell are you doing in here?! Your room is across the hall!" The woman screamed. The whole fiasco had come so naturally to them, it made him want a family with her more than he had ever before, though he feared it was far too late for thoughts like that.

"Woah, these rooms all look the same even when you're sober." Robin remarked, as Barney closed the door to the room they were actually staying in.

"You're sober? Pffft."

"So… um, about what we discussed last night?" He couldn't hear anything but the formality that laced the words as they rolled off of her tongue. In his experience in writing letters to get companies out of legal trouble, formality was something reserved exclusively for strangers. Then it hit him – that's exactly what they were becoming. "How do you feel?" Barney had to sit down, either the booze or his own thoughts were making him lightheaded.

"I love you, Robin, " He stated honestly, as his wife sat down next to him. "And when we got married I made a vow that I would always tell you the truth." He could see in her eyes that it was gone. The spark was gone. And so, he broke his vow, and lied through his teeth, telling her he thought divorce was the right option as every fibre of his being felt like it was collapsing in on itself.

THE MOSBY/MCCONNELL HOME

"We got divorced." Robin summarized. Even the word was enough to make his stomach turn. The pair received nothing but shocked stares from the rest of the group. Lily looked to Marshall with the same expression that Tracy had as she looked to Ted. Barney interpreted little more than _"please don't let that be us"_ from the looks he saw.

"I can't believe you got divorced without telling us, this is my mum and dad all over again." Barney bit his tongue once more. As usual, Ted had somehow managed to make the topic of the divorce of two of his best – he scoffed mentally – friends about him. "Barney, if you start brewing your own beer now and nail my prom date, so help me-"

"Years too late on one of those, Teddy. Guys, it's okay. This isn't a failed marriage, it's a very successful marriage that happened to only last three years." He knew how ridiculous he sounded, but if nobody else was going to reassure him that it would be okay, then he had to do it himself.

"You both want this?" Marshall asked softly. "…For real?"

"We do." Robin replied. He tried so hard not to, but all Barney heard were her wedding vows.

"For real." Barney confirmed, when his trance was broken.

"Lily, you okay?" Ted questioned, noticing the faraway look she had.

"Of course I'm not okay! This ruins everything! Now we have to choose sides, and obviously we're gonna choose Robin, but Barney has his moments!" Barney felt his insides shatter again. Obviously we're gonna choose Robin? Seriously? It was more than obvious to Barney than anyone that he was the one person the group could easily go on without, but did she really have to say it right in front of him? Since the day he fell in love with the woman he was sat next to, he'd felt his walls being broken down. There was no more bravado and no more hiding emotions. Legendary without the wait-for-it. Or, so he thought. But, now, the walls were going back up.

"I really like the boner joke of the day." Marshall stated, in some feeble attempt at comforting Barney. The one good "moment" he could think of was a shitty joke he pasted once a day from a site full of men living in their mother's basements onto a failing blog read only by men living in their mother's basements. Awesome. Despite his thoughts, he raised his glass.

"You guys do not need to pick sides." Robin reassured.

"Nothing has to change!" Barney added.

"No, we've already broken up before and we've stayed friends, remember?"

"As long as you promise me this won't mean we stop hanging out." Lily insisted.

"Okay." Barney replied flatly. If you could roll your eyes with only your vocal cords, that's what it would've sound like.

"I'm serious!" Lily frowned.

"I know, but I mean, we hardly hang out anymore anyway. They live in the suburbs now, and you two are about to have baby number three." Frantic glances were exchanged between Marshall and Lily. "Please. You're so obvious. Your gals are back up to a full c cup and you've been sipping her drink all night long." Sometimes he liked to remind them he wasn't as stupid as he made himself out to be.

"We didn't want to announce anything till we knew for sure…" Right again.

"Oh my gosh, Lily!" "Congratulations!" Tracy and Ted exclaimed, respectively, as Ted high fived his best friend.

"See, this! Right here! This is why we can't fall out of each other's lives! We have to be here for the big moments. So just promise me, no matter what, we will always be there for the big moments." Lily said.

"I promise. We'll always be there for the big moments." Robin replied, hugging _her_ best friend.

"See! It's like this whole divorce thing never happened!" Barney beamed, earning an angry look and a slap on the chest from his ex-wife and a bout of tears from Lily. "I…" His comment had gone down like a lead balloon; a ton of bricks, if you will, which is exactly what he had intended. He wanted them to know exactly how it felt to wake up happy in the morning and stay happy for seven seconds, before turning over and realising you're alone in a king-size bed, when you used to wake up next to a beautiful woman who you have now divorced. At that moment, his thoughts were interrupted as Penny began to cry from upstairs.

"I'll just go and see to her." Tracy smiled.

"It's getting late anyway, maybe we should all make a move – you guys must be exhausted!" Marshall suggested, feeling every bit of tension that Barney felt.

"Yeah, I think so too." Robin agreed, making an attempt to smile. Barney didn't even try, he just headed silently for the door as the others made small talk and said their goodbyes.

When Barney finally made it home, his thoughts had been eating away at him for the entire hour he'd spent alone in a cab. He was too angry to go to sleep, blaming himself for everything that had happened. It had to be him. He was too needy, too clingy. He should have just shut his mouth. Who gives a fuck about the boner joke of the day? Who's even reading the stupid fucking blog in the first place? He'd let the only good thing that had ever happened to him slip straight through his fingers, but it was either that or she'd get up and walk away anyway. He was a fool to think it'd work. As he reached his door, the anger was building up. The more he thought, the angrier he got. He had to smash something. It didn't matter what it was, he just had to smash something. He looked frantically around his apartment as he slammed the door behind him. He threw his keys against the sofa and dropped his coat to the floor, clenching his fists and his jaw as he willed himself not to cry. Picking up a lamp from the table next to him, he threw it against the floor with every bit of strength he had left in him – which, granted, wasn't much. The lampshade caved in as the glass bulb shattered. Not enough. He marched over to the kitchen and opened the cabinets, looking for anything that would break if it was thrown against a hardwood floor. He glanced over the mugs and plates, and noticed nothing but a green mug that Robin used to drink her coffee out of every morning. He picked it up and threw it at the wall ahead of him, the sobs finally breaking free as the tears rolled down his flushed cheeks. He pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes as another sob tumbled out of him. Everything he'd been suppressing since he clumsily signed his name and initial on the final dotted lines of his divorce papers was choosing now to reemerge. Barney glanced over to the to the countertop, spotting a picture of him and Robin through his tears. He picked it up, clutching it so tightly that his knuckles had begun to pale, before hurling it straight to the floor on the other side of the room. He swiped the sleeve of his suit across his face as more tears and sobs escaped.

He couldn't stand it anymore. Being alone with his thoughts was too much for him now. If he threw anything else he was certain that someone from his building would knock on the door, and there was no way anyone could see him like this. So, he gave up. No amount of bespoke lamps, green coffee mugs and outdated photo frames could give him what he wanted. Instead, he reverted back to the method that had been serving him so well up until now. He went to bed. If he wasn't awake then he couldn't think, but it was the falling asleep that was the real issue. His thoughts kept him awake. Still, he turned out the lights and slid under the covers. Worn out from the crying and the fact he'd only been sleeping three hours a night, sheer exhaustion allowed him to get to sleep.

The problem would come tomorrow morning, when he'd turn over and see nothing but empty sheets.


End file.
